Proof yet that God has a sense of humor . . . (assuming She does, indeed, exist)

So I now am the proud owner of two new baby kitties. Props to my husband - he hardly skipped a beat and so far has not threatened me with any physical harm for bringing these two fuzzy little eating and pooping machines into our house. For those of you unfamiliar with our home situation, that makes 4 cats. Yes, I realize that puts me maybe a cat or two off the pace for becoming "the crazy cat lady." Ok - but if you saw these two babies perhaps you wouldn't judge me too harshly. (I'll post a picture when I find my digital camera cord)

It turns out that the kittens are only 4 weeks old (or so the vet tells me). In layman's terms, that means they are tee-niney wittle itty bitty things. They really have no business being away from their cat mommy, but since that ship has sailed, supplemental vaccines from the vet and my substitute TLC will have to do.

It also turns out that they are both girls, which have now been named by my wonderful son, "Miss Grey," and "Charlotte." It seems both names came from a Curious George Book he read recently. No points for originality there, but the names do seem to fit the two little darlings.

Which brings me to the point of my post tonight. It occurred to me tonight, as I was watching them frolick around in the spare room (which is now "the kitty room"), that that Higher Power to which we so often refer likes to answer prayers in interesting and humorous ways. It appears that the twins girls I have been praying for have arrived - albeit in a different, furrier form than was the intent of my urgent plea. Littermates - I guess you could call them twins? Who knows how many were in the litter. But here they are, all the same.

Not exactly what I had in mind. Hmmmm. Note to self - be more specific when sending messages of hope and desire to that divine being that watches over us all (or so that's what I've been told.)

Did I hear a deep chuckling from somewhere high above me?

Tiny kitty hugs from this side of the world,

-kelly

Good news/Bad news

Well, the good news is, I'm now officially covered by BC/BS with a genuine infertility benefit. The bad news is, I just found out that it's only covered at 50%. I guess I shouldn't complain. It's so much more than most other people have. And I am working now, but I'd so hoped to use the money toward other things! IF just keeps taking and taking - it never seems to end.

Still nothing much else to report. No test results in yet - and I won't hear anything for at least another week.

I think I've decided against going to the infectious disease OB in NYC. I've heard a few things that make me wonder if he's totally legit - plus he doesn't participate with ANY insurance and wants payment in full, at the time of the visit, to the tune of nearly 3k! This is big business, it seems.

As an aside - things are going well here on the home front. Christopher is doing so well in kindergarten, after a rough start. He has a cute little friend here right now for a playdate. He is thrilled with that, and the fact I also rescued two baby kittens today during my visit to one of my lower-income patients. My husband has no idea yet - poor guy. What could I do? They had them stuck in a box that was soaked with urine and feces - no food or water. They are only 6 weeks old, it seems. I hope to adopt them out.

Anyone want a kitty?

Like I don't have enough on my plate!!!!!!

More news to follow as it becomes available . . .

-kelly

Back home.

OK - FYI. Chicago is, like, the most beautiful city I've ever seen! Everything is so clean and well-planned. People are so helpful - even the homeless people are nice there! It was like NYC, except in an alternate universe or something. It's an excellent place to visit and we are already planning our next trip back - we truly didn't want to leave. Oh, and p.s. - if you go out for pizza there go HUNGRY. That deep dish stuff is no joke. The waiter says the most he's even seen people eat is 3 slices - that's for the champion eaters! I bagged out after half a slice. That is some serious pizza, people.

But to get to the point. The visit to the Reproductive Immunologist (RI) was fruitful (minus the two hour drive to cover 30 miles into the city to get back to the hotel!).

Of course, test results from the 15 vials of blood they took won't be back for a couple of weeks. Also - I have to get two more drawn for fasting bloodwork in addition to what I had done in Illinois!

But the hi-tech ultrasound they do there in the office yeilded immediate information. They do the regular u/s, but then also add thermal imaging for blood flow. They also do a measurement for sound and we can listen to the blood rushing through the arteries that go to your respective lady parts!

Well, it turns out that the blood flow to my uterus is impaired, and is, in the u/s tech's opinion, the likeliest culprit for our miscarriage in May. My ovaries were, however, were perfect! Very surprising, given my poor response to our IVF attempt. Remember my uncooperative right-sided ovary? Well not only did it look perfect, but I had very recently ovulated on that side!!!!!! (within 24 hours, per the tech's opinion). Now, how is that for a kick in the slats? All those drugs and blood draws and ultrasounds from our IVF and we got zippo from my R ovary. Leave it totally alone and it goes and ovulates! What the hell?

So the RI is waiting to make any final judgements about the course of treatment until all the test results are in, but she seemed to feel fairly strongly that with treatment, we may actually be able to conceive on our own. That's a nice thought, and I will keep it in my pocket. But given our difficulty with fertilization in vitro, we are still planning on using the IVF option - probably with ICSI next time. Plus I'm just tired of the waiting game.

She also recommended very strongly that Chris be re-evaluated by a more qualified urologist - the one we saw before seemed woefully uneducated about IF issues. Since we've been struggling with the male-factor side of things, too, we are taking that advice to heart and will be looking for more help in this area. Every little bit helps.

We have a plan, people! Moving forward!

Thank you to everyone who has been calling, emailing, text messaging, etc., your supportive thoughts/wishes. I really feel the love - it makes such a difference.

So, for now, we wait for test results. We find a new urologist. We are going to see a guy who specializes in treating IF from an infectious disease perspective in NYC in a couple of weeks.

Once all this is in place, then we move forward to do a new IVF. This time - we're getting ALL the bases covered before we make another effort.

Now back to real life. Laundry is waiting and Christopher wants to decorate the house with Halloween decorations. Plus, I guess I should go grocery shopping since we have NO food. Where is that leftover Chicago deep-dish pizza when you finally have your appetite back?

Mmmmm - deep dish pizza!

-kelly

And we're off.

So we are about ready to go off to bed. We have to be up at 5 am to hit the road by 6am and check in for our early morning flight. Oy. This early morning kind of thing is not my strong point.

But on the bright side, Christopher is so psyched about this trip. I was able to get a good deal on the hotel and rental car - which is a good thing as hotels in Chicago are crazy expensive! I am feeling a little sick to my stomach right now - worried about getting everything together for the trip and getting there on time. But knowing our kiddo is so excited helps alot.

I think I am also feeling a little stressed about getting this "right." I mean, I have so many questions to ask - I really need to be focused, and my mind is all over the place right now. It really does help to be back at work in terms of keeping my mind from dwelling on all this IF stuff, but days like today, I feel like I was shot out of a blender at high speed. Remember I was complaining about not having enough patients? Well, never mind. Census is back up and the work is coming in. Along with the patient from hell I had to d/c today because he has started hitting his therapists!

So, I guess I was hoping to feel so together, and instead, I'm feeling very scattered.

Breathe. I know. One step at a time.

Got to get to bed now. I'll post more when we return Saturday.

-kelly

Appointment? Check. Plane tickets? Check. Sanity? Hmmm . . . I KNOW it's here somewhere!

OK - appt. is confirmed with the Reproductive Immunologist and plane tickets are booked to Chicago. The whole family is flying out next Thursday and I have a cyber-friend, Lani (hi, Lani!), from the Resolve board helping me figure out where to stay and what fun things to do while we are there.

An additional piece of good news - I FINALLY was able to enroll for my BC/BS benefits through my work today. Nothing like getting it in down to the wire, but according to the HR Director, I should be effect October 1st (in time for my appt. Oct 4th!). That means double insurance coverage. Something of this will hopefully be paid by someone other than me! Fingers and toes crossed on that one.

So on the one hand, I feel very purposeful and productive. On the other hand, I'm like, what the hell am I doing? Planning my vacations around doctor's appointments? I haven't even discussed this with my RE. I'm just GOING. I feel like this is a little crazy. But I know it's the right thing to do. That's all there is to say about that.

We celebrated my darling husband's 37th birthday last night. A whole night dedicated to eating, drinking and being merry and NOT thinking about IF treatments. How about that? I almost didn't know how to act. We had friends over and it was such a nice evening. Thanks to everyone who came out and made it special.

That's all for now. More to follow. I haven't even mentioned the fact that I will also be consulting an infectious disease specialist who is also an OB/GYN. But let's not go there - then you might think I'm REALLY going off the deep end . . .

Nighty night,

-kelly

Interesting information.

So, it looks like we may have an answer, or at least the beginnings of an answer, to why we've been struggling to conceive.

The testing we intitated prior to our IVF that took weeks to complete finally came in a couple of days ago.

It's very strange to try and explain this, because I essentially understand little to none of all the ins and outs of genetics, but I'll do my best.

When a woman gets pregnant, her immune system has to recognize the developing embryo as different from herself - as a separate developing entity that should be allowed to stay. That means that genetically, a man and woman should be different from eachother and not too similar. If it happens that there are genetic matches on particular alleles, trouble can occur. The woman's body may think it's her own cells that have altered, or mutated in some way, similar to how the body recognizes and destroys cancerous cells.

Well, my dearest husband and I are an exact match on an allele that is notorious for both causing a.) immune problems and b.) miscarriages. Hmmm - sound familiar?

I don't know whether to feel happy or upset about this. Yes, it is good to finally start getting some answers! But what I read tells me that our situation is treatable, but it involves a LOT of meds, transfusions, and travelling to get what is most likely needed.

I feel a little daunted right now. It will probably pass, but I am wondering - will this REALLY work? I am so incredibly cynical anymore.

One step at a time. One day at a time. Breathe, Kelly, breathe.

So, Chris and I talked last night and decided - let's make lemonade out of lemons. He is taking a couple of days off work and coming to Chicago with me, and we're taking Christopher out of school and bringing him with us. We've never been to Chicago before and it IS a great american city and all. So we're going to make an adventure out of it. Of course, we're not telling him that mommy is seeing a new doctor - I'll go and do my thing while they find something fun to do. I think it will be fun.

Crazy - so now we're planning our vacations around specialist appointments in different cities around the country? Friends, life takes us to some veeerrry strange places, it does.

Meanwhile, it's my husband's birthday on Tuesday and still have NO idea what to get him. Time to focus on the here and now for the next several days.

As always, thank for checking in.

-kelly

I will survive this . . .

This is my mantra. I will say it over and over to myself, until I have no choice but to believe it. I will survive this. I will not let myself be claimed by infertility. I will fight back - I will survive. I will not be bitter, although I will cry. I will be better - a better person, a better mother, a better wife.

This is all I can say to myself today, when there is nothing else to console and comfort me.

Because the child we so prayed for chose not to join us at this time, I will continue to focus on calling our next child into this world, and trust that when the time is right, he/she will come. I will continue to shower love on the one miracle we have - our son, for he so deserves every bit that I can give him.

So now I go into battle-ready mode. I will scour my medical record for clues. I will pour over medical research to increase my understanding of why did our IVF fail? I will fly to Chicago in 2 1/2 weeks, and I will go to a specialist that helps people find answers.

There may be a time when surrender becomes a viable option, and if that time comes, sobeit. Now, however is not that time.

I am, of course, devastated. For many reasons, not just because the IVF didn't work. It feels so awful to have worked so hard, and to have failed. To have to tell those who are pulling for us is so hard that it just didn't work this time. I hate writing this post.

But it is what it is. I now join the ranks of "those" people. People fighting to reclaim their fertility - who pour their physical, emotional and financial resources into overcoming the odds. I am now, a statistic. I am the 1 in 8 people you know who is struggling with - dare I say it? Infertility.

There it is. That's really all I can say for now.

I will survive this.

-kelly

Back to work and other miscellaneous thoughts

Well, here I am smack-dab in the middle of the dreaded two-week-wait. This is that "nth" day of 100 degree temperatures in the summertime, when you are just looking for some relief from the heat. This is the phone that isn't ringing when you desperately need to talk to someone. The dolldrums - when there is no wind when you just want to steer your sailboat. All one can do is rock on the waters, and drift aimlessly - the currents of life take me where they will.

So, I've thrown myself back into my work. Or rather, I'm trying. Although they've bumped me up to a priorty status (I've increased my hours), they are still struggling to bring in the OT referrals. I didn't get to see any patients yesterday, but Tuesday was busy, and that was a great relief from the drifting. The drifting is awful.

My son is my greatest blessing, always, but particularly in these nether-world days when the promise of a baby is still close - but just out of reach. So we do fun things together. Go to the park, visit flower gardens, take hikes, visit with friends, go get ice cream or have a special dinner out.

He deserves this time - all the weeks of preperation for the IVF: the shots on schedule, the ultrasound and bloodwork appointments, the surgery to remove eggs, the procedure to replace one much-loved embryo - every one of those things means time taken away from him. Yes, for the greater goal of providing him with his longed-for sibling, but I see that it takes it's toll on him.

So my days from here on out are dedicated to him. And when he's in school, to my work. So far, it has kept me focused during this drifting, dreaming time - when the longed-for baby is still a possibility.

For over two years, I have entered into the two-week-wait feeling determinedly hopeful. There was a time when I felt I knew my body and it's signs and would attend to them with an air of expectation. After literally being through this dozens of times, and subjecting my body to various procedures and many medications, I have now had to surrender any sort of ability to forsee the outcome. The medications fool my body into thinking it's pregnant, so it behaves that way. Healing from the surgery produces symptoms that make one feel bloated and heavy. The mind manages to play tricks with the rest, and one can begin to convince herself of anything. The truth is, I have no idea is this worked.

To all those who wait and wonder with me, I feel I owe some words of caution. As a veteran of the cycle of hope and despair, try not to become too invested in the outcome. I know many, many deserving women, women who would make the best mothers, and still have not gotten their miracle. The unfairness, injustice of it happens everyday, and I don't know why.

I just don't know what will happen. I feel responsible for those I've invited on this journey - I know how a heart can break for someone else when they don't get that miracle - I spend more and more time consoling those who don't. But I also know the joy when someone finally catches a break, and it is just so sweet.

So I hope you all can stick with me, regardless of the outcome. I realize it is difficult. I hope that we, me and this (hopefully) exponentially growing blastocyst (or should I visualize it as a rapidly differentiating fetus by now? I'll have to check my old college textbooks . . .), do not fail to disappoint.

I may post a couple of times over the next week or so, but I will be trying to shift my focus to things of this world for the time being - to what is. Sometimes my greatest consolation is to simply live life in the present and accept the fact that the tides have control - they will take me where they may.

As always, thanks for reading.

-kelly

Doing OK!

Lots of calls today from people checking in - just wanted everyone to know all is well. I am resting - my dearest husband grounded me past my mandatory 24 hour bedrest to extend through the remainder of the day. We figure - give that little embie an extra chance to snuggle up!

Nothing new to say, really. I've got 2 weeks of waiting to hear anything about whether this works or not. There's no point in trying to figure it out beforehand - believe me, I've done that. After today, I will try to put it out of my mind and focus on other things.

I'll start back to work next week - which will be a much-needed diversion. Believe me, I have my misgivings over it. I worry that it will jeopardize my chances of making this a success, but that is a silly worry, really. Best to just get back into it. Otherwise, I will make myself a complete mental case.

Well, I may do that anyway, but at least I will be getting paid!

As always, thanks for checking in and for all your good wishes.

A special shout out to Monica - thank you for your email today. I especially feel your positive vibes right now. I won't out you and post your email, but know that I hear you getting all of this!

-kelly

Back from embryo transfer

I now have a 6-cell, grade 2 embryo snuggling up inside my uterus! It doubled in size over night, and showed a little fragmentation and some uneven cell size this morning, but not a bad little embie, all the same. It's growing - it's a fighter!

They did the assisted hatching to make it easier for the embryo to come out of the shell and burrow in. I know this isn't the most perfect scenario - but in life, sometimes the best things don't start out as perfect. I acknowledge the realities, but also realize there is a chance - perhaps the first real chance for us in years - to have a baby. This could be our month.

Thank you for all the positive energy from the board members. I go now to lay in bed and focus my attention on my little embie, and encourage it to grow - cheer it on! The RE told me it takes about another 48 hours or so before implantation occurs. I will try to focus my energies to encourage it over each hurdle this little one must jump.

I think I'll also watch a Harry Potter movie today. I just finished reading the last book - and it was so good! Better than I ever imagined. Now I'm ready to re-watch the old movies. Maybe play guitar and sing to the little one for awhile, and take a nap.

-kelly

One more thing - an open letter to my embie, on the night before our transfer

Preface: Apologies if this is too much/too sappy. I needed a catharsis tonight - to put these thoughts/this energy out into the universe, and this is the best way I could think to do it, on this night before my ET. I hope none of you mind the imposition.

Someone earlier this week on the Resolve board wrote a letter to their ovaries. I thought, then why not write one to my one remaining embryo?


Hello little one,

Tomorrow I will be coming to claim you. For the last 3 days, I've slept and ate little, for thinking of you and willing you to grow and thrive in a lab a few miles from our home.

I have gone to yoga, eaten organic, forsaken coffee, alcohol and (just about) anything fried. I have had ice cream a few times - I hope you don't mind. I have gone to a massage therapist for lymphatic massage to purge my body of impurities and to my psychotherpist to clear my mind of clutter and negativity. I have gone religiously to acupuncture, taken herbs, then not taken them as directed by my doctor. I have been given many shots, some I even gave to myself (although I did cry a little both times I had to do it), and have had countless blood draws and ultrasounds. I have purchased - and listened to - recorded meditations to calm myself, and practiced positive affirmations and guided imagery.

I have researched, obsessively, the ways in which I can make my body a home for you for the next 40 weeks, and I will continue to do everything I can to make it possible for you to survive. I am ready to fly to Chicago in two weeks to enlist the help of a special doctor who will make sure my body does not misbehave should you choose to stay awhile.

I have been learning to play the guitar, and taken up my long neglected piano playing to create more balance in my life, and to give the gift of music to you - one of the most precious gifts my mother gave to me as I was growing up.

Of all the possible combinations of eggs and sperm, you were the only one that made it from this cycle. I know you are strong and healthy and you can latch onto me and grow, grow, grow.

I can't promise that life will be easy for you, should you choose to stay. But here's what I do know: you have a family waiting for you. I don't know that a child was prayed for or longed for more than we all have longed for you. Not only is there a mother and a father who are waiting for you with open arms, but you have a big brother who constantly asks when will he get to meet you? He is so good, loving and kind - he will want to make you laugh and always try to keep you safe, just like your mom and dad.

There are aunts and uncles, and cousins and grandparents (2 sets) - none of whom are perfect, but I've seen how they are with your big brother. They will love you and love you and love you - and most likely spoil you rotten, but I think I can live with that.

We have dozens of friends here with children for you to play with. And sweet teenaged babysitters who live across the street just waiting to hold a baby, should mommy need a break. They are all good people who are calling you to this world, too.

I've never felt the power of prayer and positive energy so keenly than since I started this process and shared my journey to you with these good people in my life. All this goodwill and love - for you.

Now, if it comes to pass that you are unable to stay, know this, regardless of the outcome, before you ever even had a heartbeat, know that you were loved.

My heart, my mind, and my body is open to receive you tomorrow. I pray that you choose this life, this time, this family.

I am calling you, my child, to me. Come home.

love,
mommy

And still there is one.

Let's keep it in perspective. Sure, upon re-insemination, my other eggies did not fertilize. That is incredibly disappointing. But I'll share some facts that I now know to be true:

-IVF is a godsend - not the menace I'd originally feared. Although we have many questions about why things are happening this way, it another huge step for finally finding some answers to our struggle with conceiving.

-I am incredibly blessed to have this one embryo, even if it is only just one. I just found out from a friend who is currently on an IVF cycle in sync with mine that of all six of her eggies, none fertilized, and she has no embryos to transfer - absolutely devastating. I, at least, have this one, very tiny, 3-celled hope that is continuing to grow in the lab just a few minutes from my house.

-After today, I believe - no, I am SURE - that I have, hands down, the best Reproductive Endocrinologist in the world. Today she listened to my concerns and fears and is considering altering my tx protocol with additional meds to address my concerns about auto-immune problems, thus helping increase our odds of success for this one tiny embie to make it. I am fairly confident that none of the other REs I have seen would have even listened to my concerns, much less alter a tx protocol for them.

- I know that if this doesn't work this time, that I have the strength to try again.

- The next effort WILL be better, if there is a next effort, because now we know so much more.

- If anyone has a chance to beat the odds and have a success, it is us. There are so many sending blessings, hope and prayers our way.

So my embryo transfer is tomorrow at 11:45 am. My RE will do an acupuncture treatment afterwards, then I go home for bedrest. I have one friend picking up my son and taking care of him, and another bringing over dinner.

After tomorrow, I can return to life and spend some serious family time with my husband and son, who have been so wonderful during this process. It will be time to change my focus and go into get back into life and find lots of things to distract me until my pregnancy test 2 weeks from tomorrow.

Thanks all, for your extra prayers, good wishes, and positive vibes.

And, as always, thanks for reading.

-kelly

We have an embie!!!!!

Well, my hopes had been higher, but right now, I still feel optimisitic, if cautiously.

I talked to the embryologist today, and she clarified a few things. They were actually able to retrieve 6 eggs. One was immediately discarded due to a fragmented outer shell. The rest of the 5 were "cleaned up" and another was discovered to be slightly cracked. So, of the 6 original, 4 were able to be inseminated. Of those, 1 had already fertilized and started dividing as of this morning at 7 am. This is good news. Often, the embies don't start dividing for a full 24 hours. Since the others had not yet begun to divide, the embryologist decided to re-inseminate and wait to see if they needed more swimmers!

Of the remaining 4, she explained they looked like good, healthy eggs. There was no darkening or discoloration and no internal fragmentation - nice and clear they way they want them to look! The outer shell (the Zona Pallucida) looked a little thickened, which makes it harder for the sperm to fertilize the eggs. Sooo - it could be the others have already fertilized, but just took a little longer and have yet to start dividing. But the reinforcements are there, just in case!

I get more information tomorrow when they do another check in. Right now, I keep trying to console myself . . . we have one . . . we have one. My darkest fear creeping in on me was that none would make it. So it would be nice if we got another, but for now, we have one.

I slept for about 4 hours last night. I'm guess it will be much the same tonight until I hear the next report. This waiting is so excruciating.

Thanks for checking in.

-kelly

Back from egg retreival

So, I'm back. I've gotten lots of messages and such from people checking in, etc. Thanks so much to those who have taken the time to call - it means a lot, even if I can't really talk right now.

Physically, I feel fine. The retrieval was really no big deal. The waiting in the morning, until I got the IV, with no food/water was the worst part. I took a percocet on the way home, and everything is nice and chilled out . . .

I'm struggling to stay positive about the count. They were able to retrieve 5 eggs. I feel incredibly disappointed about that. I know it sounds like a good number, but the attrition rate in the lab is high, and right now, we'll be lucky to have a couple to make it to a day 3 transfer. My hopes of making it to a day 5 blastocyst transfer are more or less squashed. So, I guess you could say I'm pretty crushed about that.

I don't think I'd be so devastated if I knew that our insurance is now officially maxed with this one IVF attempt. I don't know how we will move forward if this is unsuccessful, but I can't really let myself think about that right now.

Tomorrow I'll get the fertility report, which means we'll learn how many fertilized and how well they are dividing, etc. So I guess I'll post then.

Thanks for checking in,

-kelly

This is it.

Tomorrow at 7:45 am, I'll be gowned and getting preped by the anesthesiologist, hopefully with some very happy meds to take the edge off. Got the instructions from the RE and the nurse this morning at my final ultrasound, and I guess that's all there is to say.

Next time I blog, I'll probably be a little silly from pain meds, but I may take a day or two off if I'm too out of it. I've heard widely varying reports from others who've been through the egg retrieval from feeling fine immediately afterward, to needing more than a week to get it back together.

I wish I could feel excited or something. The problem is - I hate surgical procedures, especially when they are performed on ME. To add to my feelings of ambivalence, the doctor I LEAST like in the practice will be performing my surgery tomorrow. Whatever. I'll try not to speak to her (lalalalalala - what's that? i can't HEAR you . . . LALALALALALALA . . .).

Next time I write, it will hopefully be with a report of beautiful embryos developing in a lab about 5 minutes from my house . . .

-kelly

Trigger shot tonight and Tuesday's the day!

OK - I'll be brief, 'cuz I'm done in. Sooooo tired right now.

All went well at my ultrasound appointment today - still the same 6 on my left side. Let's hope that is the magic number. The labwork came back with a nice increase in my estrodiol again, and so the doctor said tonight's the night to give my eggies the "all-clear" signal to do their last sprint to the finish line!

My darling husband gave me my "trigger shot" of HCG tonight and he did a great job. I'm not sure I'd be so adept with that big 'ole needle, but he handled it like a pro. The stress of anticipating it, however, was enough to make me feel faint. I'm so wiped.

So, that means that my egg retrieval is set for Tuesday morning, bright and early at 7:30am. No food or water after midnight tomorrow night, so I am going to be crabby that morning, but then I get lots of drugs for my trouble.

That's all for now. I'm going to spend the day tomorrow relaxing and getting myself ready for the procedure.

Good Night for now,

-kelly

Ugh.

First - welcome to my sister-in-law, Alicia, who asked for the link to my blog so she can check in on how things are going. Hi, Alicia!

Let me apologize up front and say sorry if I can't be witty right now. I feel pretty barfy today. I have had a wicked headache/neckache for the last few days, and it has gotten particularly delightful over the last 24 hours. And as a bonus, I get to feel naseaous, as well. The good news is my estrodiol level is 1201 - which is good in terms of my follicle development, but also explains my less than wonderful physical state. (Remember when I was worried about this number being too low? Those were the days . . .)

Well, my right ovary showed itself today during the ultrasound (WHERE have you BEEN, young lady!?!), but with less than fabulous results. There were only 2 tiny follicles there that the doctor could see (what happened to the 4 that were there before?). BUT, there are now 6 on the left. There's some progress for you!

The "left siders" are at least growing well, and so, the RE has determined that my egg retrieval will be either Tuesday or Wednesday. (no comments on my political affiliations, please!)

I have never looked forward to surgery so much. I just want this to be over. These meds are making me feel so sick right now. I'm tired, bloated, irritable and altogether unsociable (apologies to Jackie who managed to call me while my lovely mood reached it's crecendo this afternoon! that was quite an earful she got . . .)

I know it will be a bit of a recovery period after the surgery and it will be a nail-biter to see how many eggs they can retreive and can fertilize in the lab, but I'm just ready to be there, for better or for worse. Once we know if this has worked/not worked, at least we can move on. I'm so tired!

There will be one more ultrasound and lab draw tomorrow and I will likely get the "trigger" shot of HCG in the evening once I get the "all clear." Let it be done.

Thanks for reading,

-kelly

Return of the exploding diarrhea!

Oh, the irony. Now that I am over feeling like a psycho about sending my son to kindergarten, he can't go! I was sooooo looking forward to today - my first real day - to myself and working on various miscellaneous projects and - god forbid - some peace and quiet! And to ready myself for my upcoming surgery. Bye-bye yoga class that I've been trying to get to for 2 weeks!

But the exploding diarrhea returns. Life is never boring here. So forget actually getting some time to rest this tired, punctured, hormone awash body. Now I get to clean up poop all day and grow an appendage (that would be my kiddo hanging on me).

So . . . chances are the next time I have a day to myself it will be spent lying in bed recovering from my egg retrieval. I've never been so bummed to have a long weekend!

Things are getting pretty dicey here, particularly in the evenings. I mean, I am just done by around 4 pm. My ovaries start to swell, my belly kills me, and I get so incredibly tired. My dear husband does not understand why I'm not up to par and the strain is taking it's toll on him. (Honey, I know this is hard on you, but where's my dinner? And why can't you take care of our kid right now?) Add in a grumpy 5-year with an unpredictable GI virus who is starting to throw tantrums again, well, I guess you might understand what it's like to live in our house right now.

Would it be possible to hire a wife to take care of us for the next week or so? Anyone want a job?

What's that? You say you don't want to get anywhere near this house right now? Well, I just don't understand why . . .

You might think I'd be ready to drive off a bridge right now, but I feel strangely calm. I mean, after everything I've been through over the last few years, I think I may actually be learning how to handle adversity. But then again, it IS 9:30 in the morning - so that's a big MAYBE. Let's see how I feel at 4pm when everything starts crashing in again.

So that's pretty much it. I didn't even think I would blog today, since there shouldn't have been anything new to report. I go for another ultrasound and more bloodwork (gotta feed those vampires in the lab!) tomorrow at 8:45 am. Maybe they'll find my missing right ovary and we'll get a better idea many eggies we've got.

TTFN (ta-ta for now),

-kelly

whoosh! (goes the roller coaster)

Just talked to the nurse and got my estradiol number - it's gone up to 510! I'm already over the hump and haven't even gone for my trigger shot! The 5 follicles on my left that they COULD see measured 1@ 14mm, 2@ 12mm and 2@ 11mm - all up from 9, 8 and 7 two days ago.

She also said NOT to go out of town this weekend (as previously planned), as they want me back in Saturday morning for ultrasound and bloodwork. If everything looks OK, I could trigger (HCG shot to help ready the egg to ripen and swell) as early as Saturday night. That means the egg retrieval will be Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Wow - this is happening fast. That's only cycle day 13, 14 or 15 for me, which is fairly quick.

Off to call my MIL - she is our go-to-lady to help with the kiddo after my surgery. The surgery - that's another topic for a later freak-out post . . .

But that's enough for now.

-kelly

Come on in and see my amazing VAGINA!!!!!

Ah yes, I am going to come right out and say the V word. Why not? It seems everyone has a hand in it these days - I mean literally! I don't actually get to see it myself, since it's DOWN THERE, but it must be very nice, I mean, to get so much attention.

I've had a LOT of ultrasounds since we began this process in earnest last January, so really, I shouldn't be too put off by my exam today. But this was pushing it, even for me. I had my "mock embryo transfer" where they literally practice putting the catheter in up through my cervix that will be used when they go to put my (hopefully) lovely, perfect and plentiful embryos back into my uterus after my egg retrieval later this month.

So, that wasn't too bad. Didn't really hurt too much, or anything. No problem - went well - great. But, as usual, when the speculum is in, the paper sheet gets pushed up and there is very little between your private lady parts and the world. But at least it's THERE, you know? I had no idea how much that paper sheet meant to me until today, when they had to push it up even FURTHER to bare my tummy for an exterior ultrasound to check my ovaries for follicles, etc.

Well, now, I'm literally naked from the waist down, feet up in stirrups and NOTHING over me. And did I mention that they keep the door wide open (yes there is a curtain drawn in front of it) because it "creates optimal lighting for reading the ultrasound." But it is so f*&^d up, hearing people walking by the door, having regular conversations while I'm in this position, the doctor is standing there taking FOREVER talking with the nurse about why they can't seem to find my right ovary? (did it finally get tired of being told it is an underachiever, nobody understands it anyway, and run away to join the circus or something?).

Just when I think there are no more barriers to break through with regard to my modesty, my Reproductive Endocrinologist manages to find one more way to mortify even MY dwindling sensibilities.

Even better - they had to use the dreaded wand anyway, after leaving me hanging in the wind for many excruciating minutes. So up it goes (yes, up THERE) to find the missing R ovary - but no good. It's MIA.

So, you know, if you asked me right now to show you my vagina I'd probably whip it out and show it to you. Because really, how much worse can it get? Maybe I'll put it on web-cam or something. At least maybe I'd put some $ back in my pockets - since everything we have right now goes to IF treatments!

And for all of this, it still looks like my follicle count is the same. There are still just 5 on the left. No count for the right, since it is off somewhere pouting.

Did I mention I started to cry today in the office when I had to give myself yet another shot?

I'm starting to crack up, I think. I just can't . . . imagine . . . why!

More later after 1pm when I get to find out my lab results and see what other wonderful things are in store for me this week . . .

-kelly