Proof yet that God has a sense of humor . . . (assuming She does, indeed, exist)

So I now am the proud owner of two new baby kitties. Props to my husband - he hardly skipped a beat and so far has not threatened me with any physical harm for bringing these two fuzzy little eating and pooping machines into our house. For those of you unfamiliar with our home situation, that makes 4 cats. Yes, I realize that puts me maybe a cat or two off the pace for becoming "the crazy cat lady." Ok - but if you saw these two babies perhaps you wouldn't judge me too harshly. (I'll post a picture when I find my digital camera cord)

It turns out that the kittens are only 4 weeks old (or so the vet tells me). In layman's terms, that means they are tee-niney wittle itty bitty things. They really have no business being away from their cat mommy, but since that ship has sailed, supplemental vaccines from the vet and my substitute TLC will have to do.

It also turns out that they are both girls, which have now been named by my wonderful son, "Miss Grey," and "Charlotte." It seems both names came from a Curious George Book he read recently. No points for originality there, but the names do seem to fit the two little darlings.

Which brings me to the point of my post tonight. It occurred to me tonight, as I was watching them frolick around in the spare room (which is now "the kitty room"), that that Higher Power to which we so often refer likes to answer prayers in interesting and humorous ways. It appears that the twins girls I have been praying for have arrived - albeit in a different, furrier form than was the intent of my urgent plea. Littermates - I guess you could call them twins? Who knows how many were in the litter. But here they are, all the same.

Not exactly what I had in mind. Hmmmm. Note to self - be more specific when sending messages of hope and desire to that divine being that watches over us all (or so that's what I've been told.)

Did I hear a deep chuckling from somewhere high above me?

Tiny kitty hugs from this side of the world,

-kelly

Good news/Bad news

Well, the good news is, I'm now officially covered by BC/BS with a genuine infertility benefit. The bad news is, I just found out that it's only covered at 50%. I guess I shouldn't complain. It's so much more than most other people have. And I am working now, but I'd so hoped to use the money toward other things! IF just keeps taking and taking - it never seems to end.

Still nothing much else to report. No test results in yet - and I won't hear anything for at least another week.

I think I've decided against going to the infectious disease OB in NYC. I've heard a few things that make me wonder if he's totally legit - plus he doesn't participate with ANY insurance and wants payment in full, at the time of the visit, to the tune of nearly 3k! This is big business, it seems.

As an aside - things are going well here on the home front. Christopher is doing so well in kindergarten, after a rough start. He has a cute little friend here right now for a playdate. He is thrilled with that, and the fact I also rescued two baby kittens today during my visit to one of my lower-income patients. My husband has no idea yet - poor guy. What could I do? They had them stuck in a box that was soaked with urine and feces - no food or water. They are only 6 weeks old, it seems. I hope to adopt them out.

Anyone want a kitty?

Like I don't have enough on my plate!!!!!!

More news to follow as it becomes available . . .

-kelly

Back home.

OK - FYI. Chicago is, like, the most beautiful city I've ever seen! Everything is so clean and well-planned. People are so helpful - even the homeless people are nice there! It was like NYC, except in an alternate universe or something. It's an excellent place to visit and we are already planning our next trip back - we truly didn't want to leave. Oh, and p.s. - if you go out for pizza there go HUNGRY. That deep dish stuff is no joke. The waiter says the most he's even seen people eat is 3 slices - that's for the champion eaters! I bagged out after half a slice. That is some serious pizza, people.

But to get to the point. The visit to the Reproductive Immunologist (RI) was fruitful (minus the two hour drive to cover 30 miles into the city to get back to the hotel!).

Of course, test results from the 15 vials of blood they took won't be back for a couple of weeks. Also - I have to get two more drawn for fasting bloodwork in addition to what I had done in Illinois!

But the hi-tech ultrasound they do there in the office yeilded immediate information. They do the regular u/s, but then also add thermal imaging for blood flow. They also do a measurement for sound and we can listen to the blood rushing through the arteries that go to your respective lady parts!

Well, it turns out that the blood flow to my uterus is impaired, and is, in the u/s tech's opinion, the likeliest culprit for our miscarriage in May. My ovaries were, however, were perfect! Very surprising, given my poor response to our IVF attempt. Remember my uncooperative right-sided ovary? Well not only did it look perfect, but I had very recently ovulated on that side!!!!!! (within 24 hours, per the tech's opinion). Now, how is that for a kick in the slats? All those drugs and blood draws and ultrasounds from our IVF and we got zippo from my R ovary. Leave it totally alone and it goes and ovulates! What the hell?

So the RI is waiting to make any final judgements about the course of treatment until all the test results are in, but she seemed to feel fairly strongly that with treatment, we may actually be able to conceive on our own. That's a nice thought, and I will keep it in my pocket. But given our difficulty with fertilization in vitro, we are still planning on using the IVF option - probably with ICSI next time. Plus I'm just tired of the waiting game.

She also recommended very strongly that Chris be re-evaluated by a more qualified urologist - the one we saw before seemed woefully uneducated about IF issues. Since we've been struggling with the male-factor side of things, too, we are taking that advice to heart and will be looking for more help in this area. Every little bit helps.

We have a plan, people! Moving forward!

Thank you to everyone who has been calling, emailing, text messaging, etc., your supportive thoughts/wishes. I really feel the love - it makes such a difference.

So, for now, we wait for test results. We find a new urologist. We are going to see a guy who specializes in treating IF from an infectious disease perspective in NYC in a couple of weeks.

Once all this is in place, then we move forward to do a new IVF. This time - we're getting ALL the bases covered before we make another effort.

Now back to real life. Laundry is waiting and Christopher wants to decorate the house with Halloween decorations. Plus, I guess I should go grocery shopping since we have NO food. Where is that leftover Chicago deep-dish pizza when you finally have your appetite back?

Mmmmm - deep dish pizza!

-kelly

And we're off.

So we are about ready to go off to bed. We have to be up at 5 am to hit the road by 6am and check in for our early morning flight. Oy. This early morning kind of thing is not my strong point.

But on the bright side, Christopher is so psyched about this trip. I was able to get a good deal on the hotel and rental car - which is a good thing as hotels in Chicago are crazy expensive! I am feeling a little sick to my stomach right now - worried about getting everything together for the trip and getting there on time. But knowing our kiddo is so excited helps alot.

I think I am also feeling a little stressed about getting this "right." I mean, I have so many questions to ask - I really need to be focused, and my mind is all over the place right now. It really does help to be back at work in terms of keeping my mind from dwelling on all this IF stuff, but days like today, I feel like I was shot out of a blender at high speed. Remember I was complaining about not having enough patients? Well, never mind. Census is back up and the work is coming in. Along with the patient from hell I had to d/c today because he has started hitting his therapists!

So, I guess I was hoping to feel so together, and instead, I'm feeling very scattered.

Breathe. I know. One step at a time.

Got to get to bed now. I'll post more when we return Saturday.

-kelly

Appointment? Check. Plane tickets? Check. Sanity? Hmmm . . . I KNOW it's here somewhere!

OK - appt. is confirmed with the Reproductive Immunologist and plane tickets are booked to Chicago. The whole family is flying out next Thursday and I have a cyber-friend, Lani (hi, Lani!), from the Resolve board helping me figure out where to stay and what fun things to do while we are there.

An additional piece of good news - I FINALLY was able to enroll for my BC/BS benefits through my work today. Nothing like getting it in down to the wire, but according to the HR Director, I should be effect October 1st (in time for my appt. Oct 4th!). That means double insurance coverage. Something of this will hopefully be paid by someone other than me! Fingers and toes crossed on that one.

So on the one hand, I feel very purposeful and productive. On the other hand, I'm like, what the hell am I doing? Planning my vacations around doctor's appointments? I haven't even discussed this with my RE. I'm just GOING. I feel like this is a little crazy. But I know it's the right thing to do. That's all there is to say about that.

We celebrated my darling husband's 37th birthday last night. A whole night dedicated to eating, drinking and being merry and NOT thinking about IF treatments. How about that? I almost didn't know how to act. We had friends over and it was such a nice evening. Thanks to everyone who came out and made it special.

That's all for now. More to follow. I haven't even mentioned the fact that I will also be consulting an infectious disease specialist who is also an OB/GYN. But let's not go there - then you might think I'm REALLY going off the deep end . . .

Nighty night,

-kelly

Interesting information.

So, it looks like we may have an answer, or at least the beginnings of an answer, to why we've been struggling to conceive.

The testing we intitated prior to our IVF that took weeks to complete finally came in a couple of days ago.

It's very strange to try and explain this, because I essentially understand little to none of all the ins and outs of genetics, but I'll do my best.

When a woman gets pregnant, her immune system has to recognize the developing embryo as different from herself - as a separate developing entity that should be allowed to stay. That means that genetically, a man and woman should be different from eachother and not too similar. If it happens that there are genetic matches on particular alleles, trouble can occur. The woman's body may think it's her own cells that have altered, or mutated in some way, similar to how the body recognizes and destroys cancerous cells.

Well, my dearest husband and I are an exact match on an allele that is notorious for both causing a.) immune problems and b.) miscarriages. Hmmm - sound familiar?

I don't know whether to feel happy or upset about this. Yes, it is good to finally start getting some answers! But what I read tells me that our situation is treatable, but it involves a LOT of meds, transfusions, and travelling to get what is most likely needed.

I feel a little daunted right now. It will probably pass, but I am wondering - will this REALLY work? I am so incredibly cynical anymore.

One step at a time. One day at a time. Breathe, Kelly, breathe.

So, Chris and I talked last night and decided - let's make lemonade out of lemons. He is taking a couple of days off work and coming to Chicago with me, and we're taking Christopher out of school and bringing him with us. We've never been to Chicago before and it IS a great american city and all. So we're going to make an adventure out of it. Of course, we're not telling him that mommy is seeing a new doctor - I'll go and do my thing while they find something fun to do. I think it will be fun.

Crazy - so now we're planning our vacations around specialist appointments in different cities around the country? Friends, life takes us to some veeerrry strange places, it does.

Meanwhile, it's my husband's birthday on Tuesday and still have NO idea what to get him. Time to focus on the here and now for the next several days.

As always, thank for checking in.

-kelly

I will survive this . . .

This is my mantra. I will say it over and over to myself, until I have no choice but to believe it. I will survive this. I will not let myself be claimed by infertility. I will fight back - I will survive. I will not be bitter, although I will cry. I will be better - a better person, a better mother, a better wife.

This is all I can say to myself today, when there is nothing else to console and comfort me.

Because the child we so prayed for chose not to join us at this time, I will continue to focus on calling our next child into this world, and trust that when the time is right, he/she will come. I will continue to shower love on the one miracle we have - our son, for he so deserves every bit that I can give him.

So now I go into battle-ready mode. I will scour my medical record for clues. I will pour over medical research to increase my understanding of why did our IVF fail? I will fly to Chicago in 2 1/2 weeks, and I will go to a specialist that helps people find answers.

There may be a time when surrender becomes a viable option, and if that time comes, sobeit. Now, however is not that time.

I am, of course, devastated. For many reasons, not just because the IVF didn't work. It feels so awful to have worked so hard, and to have failed. To have to tell those who are pulling for us is so hard that it just didn't work this time. I hate writing this post.

But it is what it is. I now join the ranks of "those" people. People fighting to reclaim their fertility - who pour their physical, emotional and financial resources into overcoming the odds. I am now, a statistic. I am the 1 in 8 people you know who is struggling with - dare I say it? Infertility.

There it is. That's really all I can say for now.

I will survive this.

-kelly