Return of the exploding diarrhea!

Oh, the irony. Now that I am over feeling like a psycho about sending my son to kindergarten, he can't go! I was sooooo looking forward to today - my first real day - to myself and working on various miscellaneous projects and - god forbid - some peace and quiet! And to ready myself for my upcoming surgery. Bye-bye yoga class that I've been trying to get to for 2 weeks!

But the exploding diarrhea returns. Life is never boring here. So forget actually getting some time to rest this tired, punctured, hormone awash body. Now I get to clean up poop all day and grow an appendage (that would be my kiddo hanging on me).

So . . . chances are the next time I have a day to myself it will be spent lying in bed recovering from my egg retrieval. I've never been so bummed to have a long weekend!

Things are getting pretty dicey here, particularly in the evenings. I mean, I am just done by around 4 pm. My ovaries start to swell, my belly kills me, and I get so incredibly tired. My dear husband does not understand why I'm not up to par and the strain is taking it's toll on him. (Honey, I know this is hard on you, but where's my dinner? And why can't you take care of our kid right now?) Add in a grumpy 5-year with an unpredictable GI virus who is starting to throw tantrums again, well, I guess you might understand what it's like to live in our house right now.

Would it be possible to hire a wife to take care of us for the next week or so? Anyone want a job?

What's that? You say you don't want to get anywhere near this house right now? Well, I just don't understand why . . .

You might think I'd be ready to drive off a bridge right now, but I feel strangely calm. I mean, after everything I've been through over the last few years, I think I may actually be learning how to handle adversity. But then again, it IS 9:30 in the morning - so that's a big MAYBE. Let's see how I feel at 4pm when everything starts crashing in again.

So that's pretty much it. I didn't even think I would blog today, since there shouldn't have been anything new to report. I go for another ultrasound and more bloodwork (gotta feed those vampires in the lab!) tomorrow at 8:45 am. Maybe they'll find my missing right ovary and we'll get a better idea many eggies we've got.

TTFN (ta-ta for now),

-kelly

whoosh! (goes the roller coaster)

Just talked to the nurse and got my estradiol number - it's gone up to 510! I'm already over the hump and haven't even gone for my trigger shot! The 5 follicles on my left that they COULD see measured 1@ 14mm, 2@ 12mm and 2@ 11mm - all up from 9, 8 and 7 two days ago.

She also said NOT to go out of town this weekend (as previously planned), as they want me back in Saturday morning for ultrasound and bloodwork. If everything looks OK, I could trigger (HCG shot to help ready the egg to ripen and swell) as early as Saturday night. That means the egg retrieval will be Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Wow - this is happening fast. That's only cycle day 13, 14 or 15 for me, which is fairly quick.

Off to call my MIL - she is our go-to-lady to help with the kiddo after my surgery. The surgery - that's another topic for a later freak-out post . . .

But that's enough for now.

-kelly

Come on in and see my amazing VAGINA!!!!!

Ah yes, I am going to come right out and say the V word. Why not? It seems everyone has a hand in it these days - I mean literally! I don't actually get to see it myself, since it's DOWN THERE, but it must be very nice, I mean, to get so much attention.

I've had a LOT of ultrasounds since we began this process in earnest last January, so really, I shouldn't be too put off by my exam today. But this was pushing it, even for me. I had my "mock embryo transfer" where they literally practice putting the catheter in up through my cervix that will be used when they go to put my (hopefully) lovely, perfect and plentiful embryos back into my uterus after my egg retrieval later this month.

So, that wasn't too bad. Didn't really hurt too much, or anything. No problem - went well - great. But, as usual, when the speculum is in, the paper sheet gets pushed up and there is very little between your private lady parts and the world. But at least it's THERE, you know? I had no idea how much that paper sheet meant to me until today, when they had to push it up even FURTHER to bare my tummy for an exterior ultrasound to check my ovaries for follicles, etc.

Well, now, I'm literally naked from the waist down, feet up in stirrups and NOTHING over me. And did I mention that they keep the door wide open (yes there is a curtain drawn in front of it) because it "creates optimal lighting for reading the ultrasound." But it is so f*&^d up, hearing people walking by the door, having regular conversations while I'm in this position, the doctor is standing there taking FOREVER talking with the nurse about why they can't seem to find my right ovary? (did it finally get tired of being told it is an underachiever, nobody understands it anyway, and run away to join the circus or something?).

Just when I think there are no more barriers to break through with regard to my modesty, my Reproductive Endocrinologist manages to find one more way to mortify even MY dwindling sensibilities.

Even better - they had to use the dreaded wand anyway, after leaving me hanging in the wind for many excruciating minutes. So up it goes (yes, up THERE) to find the missing R ovary - but no good. It's MIA.

So, you know, if you asked me right now to show you my vagina I'd probably whip it out and show it to you. Because really, how much worse can it get? Maybe I'll put it on web-cam or something. At least maybe I'd put some $ back in my pockets - since everything we have right now goes to IF treatments!

And for all of this, it still looks like my follicle count is the same. There are still just 5 on the left. No count for the right, since it is off somewhere pouting.

Did I mention I started to cry today in the office when I had to give myself yet another shot?

I'm starting to crack up, I think. I just can't . . . imagine . . . why!

More later after 1pm when I get to find out my lab results and see what other wonderful things are in store for me this week . . .

-kelly

shot, anyone?

So, I'm getting really good at this. I'm mixing up the vials, I'm filling up syringes, capping and uncapping needles, doing that little squirt thing before the injection to get the air out (you know, like they do in the movies?).

So, yes, I'm nearly an expert now!

What's that? You say you wish you could be as cool as me? Maybe have 2-3 injections a day?

Why, I think I have a little left over to share.

Why do you look so afraid? I swear I know what I'm doing. Really.

Don't run away. Resistance is futile. C'mere - this won't hurt a bit!

e2s look good and yee-gad, look at my legs!

Well, so my u/s was less than stellar this morning, but true to the roller coaster theory of IF treatment, things can turn on a dime. Called for my lab results this afternoon, and my estradiol levels shot up to 263 today (which, in a nutshell, means I'm doing well). Thank God - I've been losing sleep over my estrogen levels! Three months ago I couldn't even tell your what they were, now I'm obsessing over them.

Sooooo . . . . I get to add ANOTHER medication to my routine tonight. The first two I've been on is to kick start the follicle growth, and this new one is to help slow down the process a little and let the eggs "simmer" or mature. This is generally good news, but I'm still feeling a little apprehensive that I don't have a larger # of follicles. But hope is not lost, they will still keep me on the "stim meds" and hopefully more will pop up as the week goes on.

So, I dropped something on the floor earlier and got a good look at my legs. Holy crap - I look like a victim of domestic abuse! Every spot on my legs where we have done this cycle's injections are marked clearly with deep blue bruises. I had no idea how bad they looked! Thank goodness I talked to nurse the other day and she told me to start doing them in my stomach (hurts less and gets the meds closer to the ovaries). Plus those haven't bruised, or at least not yet!

Well, in the middle of all this, my son has had a recurrence of exploding diarrhea. And I mean exploding! Twice today he didn't even make it to the potty. So much for the pool today. Not that that is tragedy - I am so tired that I am just trying to make it through to dinner and bedtime. I'm not even sure he'll be fit for school tomorrow at this rate. And just when I'd decided that him going to kindergarten is a good thing and I've been fantasizing about what it must feel like to take a really long nap. (or as Homer says: "mmmmmm, naaaap.")

Did I mention I'm supposed to go back to work soon? I can't even think about it right now . . .

'til tomorrow. thanks for reading!

-kelly

note to self . . .

Spongebob bandaids make you feel better after you have shot. I have one on my belly right now. It makes me giggle to look down and see his smiling face looking back at me!

-kelly

so-so ultrasound report

Went for my u/s today. I guess I shouldn't be too upset, it is still early, but I'm sort of disappointed. I was showing 5 good-sized follicles on my left side (ranging from 7-9 mm, which is good). But the 4 on my right are tiny (3-5 mm). Even if they all develop and can be retrieved that's only 9 eggs, assuming all of them grow. I know ladies who get upwards into the 20-30 range. I was so hopeful that we'd get enough for another try if this one doesn't work out for us. Knowing the attrition rate in the lab (around 50%), we could have only a few when it comes time to transfer - but I guess I shouldn't complain about that. Quality is better than quantity, when it comes to embies.

I read a women's post on the Resolve website yesterday - she had 20 embryos the day of her retrieval, and none of them made it to transfer. Devastating. How to women (including myself) keep coming back for more of this? This desire for babies, for a family - it is crazy powerful. I feel like there is a force pushing me to keep going no matter how hard it gets, how tired, fat and bloated I am, no matter how many holes they pricked me full of. It is nuts.

I'm waiting for lab results for the afternoon. I am praying that my estradiol goes up. With the low number of follicles I am producing, and the whole estradiol being on the low side, my fears of getting cancelled are looming large again . . .

-kelly

Feeling relieved . . .

Just talked to the RE on call. He is not at all worried about my e2 levels and is not even thinking about cancelling the cycle at this point. Medication regimen stays the same. No worries. For now!

off to the pool . . .

-kelly

CD6 - Feeling Stressed

Ok - so I started off so proud of myself today. I gave myself my first shot right in the stomach! It was so weird. And painful. I mean, putting the needle in wasn't bad (although it was the part that freaked me out the most), but the medication burned like a son-of-a . . . .!!!!

So the nurse was so proud of me, and I was so proud of me - rather a good start to the day, doing something you didn't think you could do!

Well, then I call and get my lab results from this morning. My estradiol levels are running low at 151 ml. This is not good. If they don't spike above 500 by the time I go for egg retreival (which could be in a week or so), then they will cancel my cycle. Then all the meds and preparation will have been for naught.

I am honestly not sure if I can stand the disappointment. I just paged the on-call doctor to see about upping my dosage for tonight.

This is the IF roller-coaster. The day starts of one way, and ends in another. You never know what is going to happen next. Funny, I really like roller coasters at the amusement park.

Why doesn't this feel like as much fun?

And now the fatigue is closing in on me again. Is it OK to go to bed at 5:45 pm in the evening?

Oh, yeah. I have a kid and have to make him dinner . . .

I'll post later when I hear from the doctor.

-kelly

Cycle Day 5 - into the thick of it now

Ok - I should be calling this cycle day 6, but without going into tmi mode and discussing the particulars of my period, we'll just say the Reproductive Endocrinologist's (RE's) office gave me a grace day.

Sooo . . . . I started my injectable medications on Friday, Aug 24th. Nothing like a little stress to kick off an IVF cycle - the meds my doctor's office ordered on Wednesday so that I would have them in time for Friday, still had not been delivered from the mail order pharmacy. So, I had to argue with my rx provider to allow me to obtain some of the medication locally. Which they did, but only after I had to do the whole dramatic-arguement-on-the-phone thing. Which is just so cliche', don't you think?

When the box finally did arrive from the mail-order pharmacy, it was ridiculous. It was bigger than boxes I've ordered full of Christmas presents. Six different kinds of meds and about a MILLION syringes and big-assed needles, which of course, were right on top just to scare the crap out of me when I opened the box. Sheesh!

So as of now, my dear husband gets to give me shots in the morning AND evening. Before now, during our IUI cycles, we've only had to do evening shots, but IVF really takes things up a notch. Our whole lives now revolve around the medication schedule and doctor's appointments, etc. Which is nothing too new based on our prior attempts at IUI, but it's just more intense.

So it was interesting this weekend, trying to do the routine with my brother here visiting, who has no idea what is going on and would probably be bewildered by why do we need another kid when we have one already?

Right now, I am starting to feel a little action in the ovaries. Nothing too intense, yet. I get to go and get stabbed by the phlebotomist at the REs office tomorrow, AND they get to teach me how to mix my new medication cocktail they are now stepping me up to. I'd imagine they'll probably give me my morning shot there in the office, too. Multiple holes, yippeeee!

So, I get to look forward to playing mad scientist with high-potency fertility medications. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Wish me luck.

Oh, yeah. In the middle of this, my only child has his first day of kindergarten tomorrow. I haven't decided whether or not I am going to snatch him up and run away screaming from the school or not, yet.

I guess it's really no wonder that I've been feeling pretty down all this week? Even when I'm having fun, I feel sad these last few days, if that makes any sense. My husband actually admitted to me he is feeling sad about the need to go to IVF, too. Wow - I wouldn't have known unless he told me. He is always so even-keeled, it just never shows.

Well, my husband has to give me my latest shot.

More later after my blood work results tomorrow. Wish me luck on that, too!

-kelly

Cycle Day (CD 1)

Started AF today. Yippee.

I feel like a total zombie. Is it because of the rain for the last 3 days or that I now know for sure I have a date with a petri dish? Or rather, my eggs do . . .

So tired. Not the chattiest way to start this blog, but I'll have more to say later. Sleep now, talk later.

-kelly