I will survive this . . .

This is my mantra. I will say it over and over to myself, until I have no choice but to believe it. I will survive this. I will not let myself be claimed by infertility. I will fight back - I will survive. I will not be bitter, although I will cry. I will be better - a better person, a better mother, a better wife.

This is all I can say to myself today, when there is nothing else to console and comfort me.

Because the child we so prayed for chose not to join us at this time, I will continue to focus on calling our next child into this world, and trust that when the time is right, he/she will come. I will continue to shower love on the one miracle we have - our son, for he so deserves every bit that I can give him.

So now I go into battle-ready mode. I will scour my medical record for clues. I will pour over medical research to increase my understanding of why did our IVF fail? I will fly to Chicago in 2 1/2 weeks, and I will go to a specialist that helps people find answers.

There may be a time when surrender becomes a viable option, and if that time comes, sobeit. Now, however is not that time.

I am, of course, devastated. For many reasons, not just because the IVF didn't work. It feels so awful to have worked so hard, and to have failed. To have to tell those who are pulling for us is so hard that it just didn't work this time. I hate writing this post.

But it is what it is. I now join the ranks of "those" people. People fighting to reclaim their fertility - who pour their physical, emotional and financial resources into overcoming the odds. I am now, a statistic. I am the 1 in 8 people you know who is struggling with - dare I say it? Infertility.

There it is. That's really all I can say for now.

I will survive this.

-kelly